No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
You Might Also Like
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”