No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
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get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
#damn
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?