No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
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Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Real House Wines.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.