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My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
My patience has stretch marks.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.