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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
True
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes