“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
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I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Cause of death: Zumba
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
it was love at first sight
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”