“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
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I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall