“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands