@TheAlexNevil: "No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!" I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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@girlnarly: [mcdonalds] me: two marijuanas please employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru me: two McMarijuanas please
@schumoo: Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can. Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
@TJ_TheMenace: Her: Sir, you account has been hacked. Me: Twitter? Her: No. Your Bank acc. Me: Ooooh Thank God.
@psinerd: When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say "Sure".