Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
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I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!