The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that