No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
You Might Also Like
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.