Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
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Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I unironically love this joke.