friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
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Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.