No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money