No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
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Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin