No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.