No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
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6: you鈥檒l always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you鈥檒l always be my baby!
6: what if you鈥檙e dead
me: wtf
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
so apparently it鈥檚 still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Seeing someone鈥檚 false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you鈥檙e single you have plenty to celebrate today
I鈥檇 be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 馃槍馃檹
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Growing up was a huge mistake
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I鈥檓 basically a puffer fish now.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: I can鈥檛, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date: