No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
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When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Livid.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?