No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
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If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.