No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
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i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”