No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
You Might Also Like
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
that colleague who touches your screen
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE