Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
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It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF