I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
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Those are good neighbors.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Lol
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper