just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
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Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
🤣😈🤣
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem