@OhNoSheTwitnt: No thanks, babies. If I'm going to let something inside of my body that's going to destroy my figure, it'll be cheese, bread and booze.
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@mattsurely: [couch shopping] Wife: Eh, you married to it? *a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn't notices the couch's wedding ring*
@Scimommy: Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here's what I've learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
@DirtMcTurd: Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say "people like this are out there."
@Parentpains: It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.