No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
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1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!