No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.