No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo