No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
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Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*