@Love_bug1016: No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
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@drhappyknuckles: Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.
@aidanjsears: *sees a car with a "how am i driving" bumper sticker* *calls the phone number* ME: buddy i think it's with a steering wheel
@SkinnerSteven: HIPSTER COP: *into radio* "We've got a 13-88 in progress...it's a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn't know it"