I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
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When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”