Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
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music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
This guy gets it.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.