No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Meow
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂