No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
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Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
A fake ID that makes you younger
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza