No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
happy mother’s day❤️
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
when mom throws a party…
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?