No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.