No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
s
oc
i
a
l
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts