No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
You Might Also Like
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
This sounds bad:
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..