No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
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Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I feel it
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.