No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.