@JaymayAllDay: "No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks." - Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
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@cromp_daddy: man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it's expired woman: don't condoms take like 5 years to expire? man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh
@FatherWithTwins: Some Olympians have been training since they were 5. I'm hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
@aaroncoal: I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
@Freudianscript: It is estimated that 1 Million people plan to gather at Times Square to watch the ball drop while looking down at their phones.