Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
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Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.