No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
You Might Also Like
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
🤣
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?