No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
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asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
#MeanwhileInCanada
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.