“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
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I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high