@Jenny4ashley: No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
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@dragonsorbet: [Confession] "I killed a man" "Wait what" "Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?"
@DonQuickoats: I don't always kill spiders, sometimes I stare at them a short while to see if we can reach an understanding
@yungsweater: *Playing catch* *dad throws ball over fence* "I'll get it son!" *25 years later* "Wow he must've thrown it far"