No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
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Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no