@Jenny4ashley: No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
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@MooseAllain: Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
@brennadine: Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship? I lost him to addiction. Therapist: I'm so sorry. Drugs? Yes please.
@SortaBad: "I have a coupon for a large 2 topping" "What toppings?" "Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza" "Sir you can't top a pizza with a smaller pizza"
@ShaeAaron: I just sent a text that says "we really need to talk" to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.