No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
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Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.