No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.