No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.