No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
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Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.