Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
The “baby” on the left….
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
2 years later
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.